Defining the right moment to leave and travel without a destination isn’t easy. Probably it just doesn’t exist. So, what are you waiting for?
We don’t always understand what drives people toward choices that seem drastic to us. Each person does their best to lead their life, whether with awareness or… not so much.
What do you lack here?
Christmas 2021, I had contracted COVID-19 and was dozing on the couch in my new home, which I had furnished with care, time and money, as I believed it was right.
I was wrapping up a year full of contrasts: radical changes, difficult choices, dark moments, joys, setbacks, restarts… after so much running around, quarantine had to come in to keep me down, standing me at home for 12 days.
Sick and bored, I thought, “You hadn’t used your couch yet; at least now you know it’s comfortable.” This thought hit me: “why do I have a couch I don’t use?” I looked around and thought even worse: “why do I have a flat full of furniture I don’t use?”.
I was somewhat proud of my recent progress until then: I decided to detach myself from a life I realized was not suitable for me and stood up for myself and my principles despite a broken heart, many unknowns, various health issues, and a life to begin again. But in fact, far as the mode in which I lived was concerned, I had not changed anything. I was under the illusion that I was finally living freely, without realizing that I had left behind a luxurious cage to build myself a scaled-down one. Again.
Ok, on a rational plane, I lacked nothing.
Too bad, however, that I was mortally bored and felt uneasy seeing that those who led a life similar to mine did so with a serene satisfaction (or resignation?). I had a job, food, a family, friends, a house… everything is considered important. It was chilling to realize that I almost didn’t want all I had, did, or was.
“Why isn’t all that enough for me? Am I spoiled? What’s wrong with me? What do I lack here?”
I spent months throwing everything I could out, torturing myself with one question: WHAT IS YOU REALLY WANT?
My friend Corrado once told me, “It’s tough to figure out what you want; it’s much easier to start by defining what you no longer want.”
It’s true: sometimes, we don’t yet know what we want; we have a sense of what we don’t want. It was the only thing I had for a very long time, and I hoped it would be enough to guide me in the right direction.
I noticed that it requires openness, trust, and curiosity: it truly helped me since, at a certain point, I lacked the inspiration to make further progress.
During that time, thanks to my curiosity, I met and welcomed into my life many new people with very different dynamics of life than I knew. Brave, original, simple ones.
I found myself envying them and fantasizing that I could do the same. Many things about what they were doing/saying resonated as right for me, and with continued deep listening, I could feel what was aligned with me or not.
The more I discovered new ways of thinking and living, the more absurd mine seemed to me. Each of them had the most disparate goals in life, and I still lacked mine, however, now I knew how I wanted to try to live, and maybe, I would get some answers along the way.
This has been my waiting period; I struggled a little to stay there, watching, learning, and waiting (impatiently).
So many times, I felt like I was stagnating while everyone was acting and advancing for themselves. However, it always reminds me of that story of the butterfly: just because a chrysalis is still doesn’t mean that a significant change isn’t taking place.
As my friend Carl reminded me:
“Change is life and usually starts outside the comfort zone.”
And I wanted a change.
I’ve never been good at moderation, so when I had to decide how to get out of my dynamic, I just decided to drop everything. “Go where everything is different, where you know nothing and no one Lia.”
For years some friends had been pushing me toward a journey, the one I had not taken on two other important occasions.
If I needed inspiration, what could be better than seeing new things?
“A journey can change people: new impressions, air, and encounters. Inspiration” -Carl (again. A wise guy, I tell you)
When it comes to rewarding myself, I always focus on why I should not do something, as if authorizing myself to do it is only possible after finding none for not doing it. As if rewarding myself is an act of wastefulness and exaggeration. When you have such a pattern in your DNA, inculcated through education (voluntarily or not, indifferent), it is hard to break it.
I faced months at the mercy of an emotional seesaw in which my heart and mind warred.
Both wanted control of my future, fighting over it.
My mind tried them all to convince me that leaving was a grave mistake, providing me with a long and rational list of why I should not indulge in such a prize. Still, it could never provide me with an alternative way to find that blessed inspiration I so badly needed.
For its part, my heart promised me nothing but told me something that did not leave much room for argument: it beat faster and louder when I thought about the journey.
For over three decades, I have obeyed at baton what reason and people told me with blind tenacity, stubbornness, generosity, and endless energy. I still ended up at a dead end.
So, if I focus for once on why I might do something for myself, the question is, “why go?”.
Answer: Because I want and deserve it. Period.
Look at the whole picture, Lia: your heart is finally free and awakening; you have no children, not even a hamster!
You’re (still) young and healthy again (thanks, Kyle), ready to welcome radical change.
You’re at the door of reinvention; leave behind everything that no longer represents you: drop everything and do what you want.
Embrace all that will come in your next chapter, your new life’s Sphere.